Dog Commandments

Dear Dog and Cat:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still

two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain

my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of
food does not stake a claim for

it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not

the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue

to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and
cats sleeping. They can actually

curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent

possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and

manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
try to turn the knob, or get your

paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered.

(In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats'
butt. I cannot stress this enough.

It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about my pets:

1.They live here; you don't!

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture

3. I like my pet better than I like most people

4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter

who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train,

usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with
drug-using friends, don't drink or

smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion

dollars for college.

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